| Title |
Excerpt |
Author |
Date |
Total Comments |
| Keys Disease: Too Old to Rock and Roll??? |
Way back in the day (well, 1976), UK rock band Jethro Tull released a song (and album) titled Too Old to Rock ‘n’ Roll: Too Young to Die! That was 34 years ago; Jethro Tull (with original founding members Ian Anderson and Martin Barre) still tours and records to this… |
John Bartus |
09/04/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: One Out of Five… |
Us Boomers will likely remember the old Trident gum commercials that used to start with the phrase, “Four out of five dentists recommend Trident gum for their patients who chew gum.” It always left me wondering about what the other dentist – the one out of five – believed would… |
John Bartus |
08/28/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Surreality |
It’s easy to find articles and columns these days that decry all the bad stuff that’s happening in this wide world of ours. Everywhere one turns (so long as one was alive in the 1960s or 1970s and remembers the neat and wonderful predictions about “the future”), one sees that… |
John Bartus |
08/22/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Descending to Their Level? |
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. – United States Constitution, Amendment… |
John Bartus |
08/14/10 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: A Business Decision |
If it weren’t actually happening here in the Middle Keys, it might be funny. For those who haven’t followed local government news, here’s the basic story. It was time this year for the City of Marathon and the City of Key Colony Beach to negotiate a new Fire/EMS services agreement.… |
John Bartus |
08/07/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: The King (of the Undersea Jungle) is Dead? Tasty, Too! |
As we sit and bask in the afterglow of another lobster mini-season, that special time between it and the opening of regular lobster season, let’s pause for a moment and reflect on all the crawling crustaceans who gave up their lives so that we might have something tasty to dip… |
John Bartus |
07/31/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Off-Island Preoccupations |
Life in the Fabulous Florida Keys – it can certainly foster an island mentality among its residents. Sometimes that’s a bad thing, like when idiot regimes and dictators in faraway places like Iran and North Korea threaten the rest of the world with their abject (but heavily armed) stupidity while… |
John Bartus |
07/25/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Key Concepts |
Life in the Fabulous Florida Keys – there are certain things we take for granted here that just aren’t available anywhere else on the planet. So as we continue to enjoy the sun and fun of summertime surrounded by our pristine and unaffected-by-the-oil-spill-waters (Hear that, BP, NOAA, and the American… |
John Bartus |
07/18/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Remember the Magic Bullet |
It was one of the crucial pieces of evidence the Warren Commission used to support the single gunman theory in the Kennedy assassination. The story went like this: “A three-centimeter-long copper-jacketed lead-core 6.5- millimeter rifle bullet fired from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository passed through President… |
John Bartus |
07/11/10 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: HEARTBREAKERS FIND THEIR MOJO |
Petty & Co. deliver timeless, classic album Remember albums? Those classic discs that contained the newest collections of songs from your favorite artists… you’d grab a bottle of wine and sit for a while to experience the work in its entirety (something that is totally lost on the MP3 generation).… |
John Bartus |
07/04/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: What Is She Thinking? |
A recent news article concerning wastewater funding has really left me in a not-so-warm-and-fuzzy state of mind. Not that any article on the topic is a real feel-good piece, mind you – it’s just that I’m really left wondering what our Congresswoman, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL), is thinking. |
John Bartus |
06/27/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: The Complete Simpleton’s Guide to Keys Critters |
Visitors to our islands (The Fabulous Florida Keys®) often notice that the various types of wildlife that inhabit these coral rocks are different that the species they have at home. No kidding. In that spirit, we here at Keys Disease Central are proud to present The Complete Simpleton’s Guide to… |
John Bartus |
06/20/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Bumbling Principal |
Well, here we are over 50 days after British Petroleum’s Deepwater Horizon oilrig exploded, sending 11 workers to their deaths, and unleashing an uncontrollable gusher of Louisiana “light sweet crude” oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Luckily, I’m here to report that it’s been sealed off and that the worries… |
John Bartus |
06/13/10 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: Social Studies |
The latest “Big Thing” to hit the Wonderful World of the InterWebs is the idea we now call “social networking”. MySpace was the pioneer social networking hub; its unfriendly interface, however, was unappealing to many users. (This is a columnist’s way of saying that he, personally, never liked MySpace.) A… |
John Bartus |
06/07/10 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: Across the Pond |
There is nothing funny about the oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Every day, there seems to be worse and worse news about BP (Beyond Patience, Bastard Polluters, Beached Petroleum, Basically Pathetic) and their Deepwater Horizon oil gusher. As I type the words for this column, the “top… |
John Bartus |
05/30/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease Across the Pond |
I’ve always been partial to good British humor (humour?). I’m especially fond of the Monty Python stuff, particularly Monty Python and the Holy Grail (“Who are you so wise in the ways of science?”) Even when people aren’t trying to be funny in Great Britain, they are oftentimes very amusing.… |
John Bartus |
05/23/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Let’s Get Gassed |
There’s good news: it seems that the better of the two oil pollution scenarios for the Keys (that I wrote about in last week’s column) is the one that is playing out. The Loop Current in the Gulf of Mexico is moving farther south and away from the oil slick,… |
John Bartus |
05/15/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Oil & Water (and a little beer) |
On April 20, the British Petroleum Deepwater Horizon oil rig blew up and sank, killing 11 people and causing an oil spill that will likely result in millions of gallons of light Louisiana crude oil fouling the Gulf of Mexico, myriad species of sea life, shorelines, and commercial fishing interests.… |
John Bartus |
05/08/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Stupid Is As Stupid Says |
Former Vice President Dan Quayle had books of his famous quotations published (something to which our current VP seems to aspire). Quayle had the dubious talent of uttering some of the funniest unintentional things ever spoken. I’ve devoted prior columns to our former VP in years past, so this column… |
John Bartus |
05/01/10 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: Physical Graffiti |
While performing a certain bodily function within the confines of a men’s restroom, I couldn’t help but notice, right before my eyes, inscribed within a hastily- drawn heart on the wall above the urinal for all to see: “Dave & Dawn ’03.” I couldn’t help but wonder at how much… |
John Bartus |
04/25/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Death & Taxes |
Way back in the 1980s and 90s, Roy McAdams and I were the components of a musical duo called Death & Taxes. Being the only two sure things, I thought the name was the perfect moniker for an act that featured two sick senses of humor. Plus, my willingness to… |
John Bartus |
04/17/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Forget the Final Frontier |
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I suppose I should just give up hope that our elected officials may one day show that they have some kind of a vision for the future, because in some ways, it’s like the early 1970s playing out all over… |
John Bartus |
04/14/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: El Niño Grows Up? |
As we all hopefully know by now, the next potential event destined to trigger mass hysteria is the end of the world – actually, the end of the Mayan calendar in December 2012. Scientists have speculated on what might happen, conspiracy theorists are promulgating theories as fast as they can… |
John Bartus |
04/04/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Heads in Beds – Coming Soon to a Theater Near You |
The catchphrase our local Tourist Development Council uses when speaking about numbers of tourists is “heads in beds.” I have always derived a bit of amusement from the phrase, as it seems to describe not only a tourism goal, but also a bloody dismemberment scene in a horror flick. Perhaps… |
John Bartus |
03/27/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: It’s the Economy, Stupid! |
For those of you who haven’t noticed, the Keys – hey, the entire globe – are going through tough economic times. The technical term economists use is “OH-MY-GOD-EVERYTHING-I-OWN-ISN’T-WORTH-ANYTHING-ANYMORE!” Property values have fallen like a drunk off of his barstool, chaos rules financial markets, jobs are the new endangered species, and… |
John Bartus |
03/21/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Sea Food & Eat It! |
It’s time once again for the annual celebration of fish, crustaceans, and bivalves: The 34th Annual ORIGINAL Marathon Seafood Festival! WOO HOO!!! ORIGINAL was highlighted so that there would be no misunderstanding of how this festival came to be, and so that the recent upstart “seafood festivals” won’t be confused… |
John Bartus |
03/14/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Wild Kingdom 2010 – Snake in the (River of) Grass |
... The late 20th and early 21st Centuries have brought new communities of invasive exotic species to South Florida and the Keys. Everyone loves those cute fun-loving iguanas, especially hibiscus growers on Key Colony Beach. So as not to feel left out, Grassy Key got its own invasive pest, the… |
John Bartus |
03/06/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: iPhone, uPhone, :-P |
During a conversation last night with drummer Glenn Faast, the subject of technology came up. Most of us in the post-War Baby Boomer generation (born from 1946-1964) have seen technology grow exponentially. As an example, the only telephones we had were the old rotary dial phones rented from The Phone… |
John Bartus |
02/28/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: The Complete Imbecile’s Guide… |
It’s been a long time since we’ve featured an expert to help the rest of us intellectually challenged individuals out with current issues. In the spirit of the “Idiot’s Guide” and “Dummies” series of books, we bring you the first in our new series called “The Complete Imbecile’s Guide.” Today’s… |
John Bartus |
02/20/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Who D. & the Blow Spots |
Last week saw the annual observance of one of the holiest and most revered days of the year – and I’m not referring to Groundhog Day (about which someone actually said this year, “Oh, they named a holiday after the movie!”). No. The special annual ritual to which I am… |
John Bartus |
02/14/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Authority Tactic Triumphs |
Alert readers will recognize this as the sequel to last week’s column about the abrupt and unexpected disappearance of my main bellsouth.net e-mail address. For those who missed it, the previous column dealt with my six hours in AT&T Customer Support Hell, and how no one from Atlanta to Mumbai… |
John Bartus |
02/07/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Automated Termination Tribulation |
Alert readers will already have noticed that the first letters of each of the words in this column’s title spell out the dreaded moniker of AT&T. Anyone who thought that recombining all the Baby Bells into a giant behemoth of a corporation was a good idea should voluntarily submit themselves… |
John Bartus |
01/31/10 |
3 |
| Keys Disease: Tid Bits |
You know times are tough all over when the first line of the story goes like this: “KEY LARGO—Merchants at Plaza 101 learned last week that the state wants them to pay about $300,000 for the parking lot they’ve used for decades at no cost.” - http://www.keysnews.com. We have learned… |
John Bartus |
01/23/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Cancer Dance |
Nearly five out of every 1,000 people will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives. Of those five, two will die of the disease. Cancer remains the second largest killer after heart disease, accounting for nearly one in four deaths. Nearly all of us know someone who… |
John Bartus |
01/17/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Flying the Friendly Skies |
Christmas 2009 brought another attempted terrorist attack on an American jetliner. So far, 2010 has brought us no real solutions, but a plethora of rhetoric and name-calling by people who should know better. And flying the friendly skies will mean extra hassle getting past the not-so-friendly (and sometimes not-so-bright) security… |
John Bartus |
01/10/10 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Looking Back… |
December 16, 2009 marked the second anniversary of the death of singer/songwriter Dan Fogelberg. A few months earlier, Dan’s last album, Love in Time, was released posthumously. He was working on it when he was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in 2004, and finished it in 2006 with instructions that… |
John Bartus |
01/02/10 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: New Year Predictions |
Alert Keys Disease readers will have noted that the old year of 2009 has just about expired, and the New Year of 2010 is bearing down upon us. Those looking for a “Year in Review” column are going to be severely disappointed; 2009 sucked so bad that I’m just not… |
John Bartus |
12/26/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Merry Holidaze |
In these special times of peace and good will towards our fellow man, there’s surely one thing that a person can say that will draw the ire of certain celebrants: Happy Holidays. I’m sorry, but that bit of political correctness has just gone a bit too far for some who… |
John Bartus |
12/19/09 |
1 |
| Keys Disease: Christmas Gifts for…T |
... Money alone, however, does not guarantee a Happy Christmas. Let’s go back to Tiger Woods and family. Did he ever possibly believe he could get away with one or two non-spousal Jezebel lady friends, let alone 10 or whatever the final number may be? The mother-in-law has descended, the… |
John Bartus |
12/11/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Going Postal (or, Stupid Is as Stupid Does) |
Let me begin this week’s column by stating that I’ve always been a fan of the United States Postal Service. I was a stamp collector in my younger days (and yes, philately will get you everywhere), and I have maintained my Post Office Box in the Marathon Shores branch for… |
John Bartus |
12/05/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Happy Hometown Holidays? |
The holiday season is upon us. As you’re reading this, you’re likely in the middle of turkey overload (or turducken overkill – yes, I know a real bird lover who actually cooked a turducken this year). This is traditionally the first big weekend in the holiday shopping season. We’ve already… |
John Bartus |
11/28/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease The Next Ten Years |
As part of the City’s 10th Anniversary Celebration, Larry Shaffer’s online Marathon Journal recently poised a series of questions to sitting and former City Council members. Part 1 was last week’s column; Part 2 starts now. To see other responses from sitting and former Council members, visit http://www.marathonjournal.us. Larry’s third… |
John Bartus |
11/22/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Ten Years to One, A Decade to Another |
It’s really hard to believe that an entire decade has passed since the incorporation of Marathon. As part of the City’s 10th Anniversary Celebration, Larry Shaffer’s online Marathon Journal recently poised a series of questions to sitting and former City Council members. Since I have the forum of a newspaper… |
John Bartus |
11/14/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Over… and Out |
The 2009 Marathon City Council Election is history. Now, Mike Cinque and Rich Keating will help write the next chapter of Marathon’s history as our re-elected and new Council members. Congratulations and best of luck for the next two years. I wish you both all the best as you take… |
John Bartus |
11/07/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: VOTE! |
We all remember the 2000 Presidential Election. While Vice President Al Gore won the popular vote, the election results hinged on just a few votes in the State of Florida. Being awarded Florida tipped the Electoral College majority to George W. Bush. There have been many other very close elections,… |
John Bartus |
10/31/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Because We KAIR, Part 2 |
Thank you. Because of the economic downturn and the resulting human need, KAIR came within four days of totally running out of food to distribute. And then having the mainland-based food bank that KAIR relies on lose 93,000 pounds of food to a warehouse fire only exacerbated the problem. Although… |
John Bartus |
10/24/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Outside the Box |
There’s this well-known adage from the business world that states one has to “think outside the box.” This phrase is used whenever there’s a need to challenge assumptions, address a situation with a fresh creative approach, or when old solutions and “tried-and-true” techniques don’t seem to work anymore. “You gotta… |
John Bartus |
10/17/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Because We KAIR |
This year marks the 10th anniversary of KAIR – Keys Area Interdenominational Resources. It’s hard to believe that KAIR has been in Marathon for ten years. It’s not hard to believe, however, that they have helped so many families get through tough times. They’ve been there for families after hurricanes… |
John Bartus |
10/10/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Tropical Living |
On a recent trip to the mainland (gasp!), my wife and I paid a visit to Fairchild Tropical Gardens. It’s hard to believe that I’ve lived here 25 years, and that was the first time I’d experienced these beautiful gardens that have graced Miami since the mid-1930s. It’s really worth… |
John Bartus |
10/03/09 |
0 |
| Keys Disease: Fishing for Answers |
I recently had a chance to attend the Middle Keys public comment session of the Gulf of Mexico Fishery Management Council. Also in attendance were representatives from the Organized Fishermen of Florida, the Florida Keys Commercial Fisherman’s Association, and several local fishermen. It was an interesting meeting, as Fishery Council… |
John Bartus |
09/26/09 |
0 |